Have you ever read one of those posts about how lovely pregnancy is? Has anyone ever described it to you as a ‘beautiful time’? Do women gush and gush about how much they loved being pregnant to you?
I am overjoyed to be privileged enough to bear children. But I am not one of those women.
Here are 12 things they didn’t tell you before you got pregnant.
1. A Small Child Controls You. Your baby needs a pillow, and it feels as though your bladder is the only suitable organ for the job. With his or her head/feet against it, you can go from pleasant to URGENT in a matter of about 3 seconds. You should look forward to visiting a dingy, sometimes haunted public restroom everywhere you go, and visiting a bathroom of some type at least 20 times a day. Twice an hour if you are as lucky as I was during my second trimester.
2. Take a Deep Breath to Calm Yourself… Oh, wait. I tried to blow out a single candle yesterday. I couldn’t do it.
3. The Horror of Gas Cramps. If you have ever been both pregnant and a fan of Raisin Bran Crunch, you know what I am talking about. I made the poor choice of eating such a cereal for dinner last night. Unspeakable horrors ensued. Sure, you say, I have had gas before and I was fine. Or you might be saying ew, why would she even bring this up? You don’t know gas cramps until you’ve been pregnant with them. Don’t eat Raisin Bran, unless you enjoy the pleasant sensation of knives turning into your side and not being able to move without crying.
4. Good Luck Getting Behind the Wheel. Especially when you have a nice, low to the ground car. Be prepared to feel like Shaq in that Buick commercial- taking up the entire front half of the car. (By the way, they totally had to disassemble that car to get Shaq in- I refuse to believe he fits.)
5. You Thought Mosquito Bites Were Bad… Itchy skin takes a new meaning upon your pregnant belly. I tear at my skin in search of relief, most often at night- but solace is nowhere. A few nights ago it got so bad I had to wake up my husband, who said he knew “just the thing” to help. He got up and grabbed some kind of lotion and rubbed it on my belly, and I am most sorry to say it didn’t help at all. In the morning I discovered what he had used: the cream that men use for itchy balls. Um, ew.
6. Big-Foot Legs. Ha ha, good luck shaving with your huge belly in the way!
7. Clearing the confusion with people you wish were strangers. I had the good fortune of running into a classmate I hadn’t seen since high school last week, and he literally gaped at my belly for a good ten minutes. He didn’t want to acknowledge that he could tell I had gotten bigger, but it was awkward since he kept staring, so I had to bring it up. “Yeah, I’m having a baby, I didn’t eat an ice cream truck.” So glad we got that one out of the way.
8. Children are brutally honest. Beware of them while pregnant. As I was teaching Kindergarten last week a girl came up to me, touched my belly, and informed me: “This is fat.” Thank you, little girl. Thank you so much.
9. The Husband’s Sweatshirts and Sweatpants Stop Fitting You. I am still mourning this one.
10. You’ll Have to Get Through the Day with Little to No Coffee. Tired from that 4 hours of sleep? Too bad, unless you like irregular heartbeats and stomach cramps, you’ll have to make the journey through your day without the reassurance of energy coffee brings you. Some women can handle their caffeine better than others during pregnancy I hear, but I will have to admit I’m a lightweight. Therefore, if I don’t get my 7 hours (which usually means going to bed at 8pm to make up for the time that baby kicks and makes me have to pee), prepare to resemble the undead. Pregnancy is really only for the highly self-motivated.
11. Oh, The Places You’ll Puke… Nausea knows no time nor place. I have puked in a parking lot, a trash can on campus, the roof of a casino, out the window of a car going 35 mph, and of course… on my new shirt. I could give college Freshmen a run for their money.
12. Everyone wants to know… I was approached in a deli yesterday by a woman who led off with: “Are you having a C-Section??” Other favorites: “Whew, I thought you were 22! (I am.) That’s far too young to be having kids!” “That didn’t take very long now, did it?” “You’re huge!” “Good luck pushing, [insert horror story about a 72 hour labor or giving birth in the back of a truck] !!!”
One last thing to remember: You get Fat. And everyone knows it. Even if they say “You’re all belly!” or “You look great!”
You’re still fat.
Don’t say you didn’t know!