I’m dedicating the title of this blog post to my favorite Barenaked Ladies song to celebrate what I hope is my FINAL WEEK OF PREGNANCY! I wish I could insert something here about how it has been so enjoyable and hasn’t dragged on and on and on… but I will just update you on other stuff instead.
That ‘perfectly normal itchy skin’ I blogged about last time is a real condition called Pruritic Urticarial Papules and Plaques of Pregnancy. It’s short for PUPPPS but not as fun as having a puppy. Basically what it means is that I have a rash on my stretchmarks that won’t go away with creams or medicines and can only be cured by one thing: labor. Horrible, scabby itching can be cured by the intensely painful process of labor? How did I get so lucky?
So in the meantime of all the scratching I’m not supposed to do, I have begun the process of trying to instigate labor. It’s still a bit early- I’m not due for seven days, but it can’t hurt- can it?
Walking– I have tried to ‘Get Up and Get Active!!!!”, as the cheerful, motivating Pregnancy advertisements have suggested, but unfortunately, I can only meet the ad with mediocre enthusiasm. It’s almost as if my body physically resists anything that isn’t rest and punishes me by swelling. Walking makes my feet swell up to the shape and size of countries in Africa, and my fingers resemble sausage links that I used to eat in the McDonald’s “Big Breakfast” meals. I have to believe whoever wrote those happy encouragements about ‘speed walking’ has either never been pregnant or had one of those freaky perfect pregnancies that allowed her to do things like go dancing or sleep or only gain 25lbs.
Spicy Food– My husband and I have always loved Pad Thai, so we tried ordering it last night with “Din Mak” sauce. I don’t know what Din Mak means, but there are 4 flames pictured next to it on the menu. The resulting meal was met with tissues, tears, swishing milk in our mouths, and splotchy red faces. I had a hard time talking for an hour afterwards, as the muscles in my mouth weren’t working properly.
Intercourse– It makes me cringe a little to write about this, but I am almost offended by the number of people who suggest it. In one of my pregnancy books, there is a page of interviews with women who talk about how much they loved making love during their pregnancies. Here I am, being a prude, but I’m just not one of those women. I can barely tolerate my husband looking at me for too long- it makes my belly itch and my feet sore. My body is so sensitive to every little pain and movement my massive belly endures; intercourse is laughable. So whenever a random stranger at a grocery store suggests it (which happens more often than one would expect), I laugh.
Relaxing– Yes, letting the body take its natural course is the best and safest route to natural labor onset. I was home for Thanksgiving a few days ago and sat around chattering with my mom and aunts in my parents’ bedroom. The conversation had just turned to “Mandy, how much weight have you gained?” I answered and, I kid you not, my mother’s bed caved in right where I was sitting. Snapped underneath me. The 15 year old bed that we were formally able to fit most of the family on while watching movies- shattered by me and my baby weight. While everyone laughed, I just lay there on the broken bed frame smiling anxiously at the ceiling, wondering when it would all be over.