I…. am a bad person.
Yes, I know you’re wildly surprised (not!), but I am struggling with a very powerful, soul-consuming, life-deteriorating sin:
I am jealous. Of everyone.
I’m not going to say it’s all Facebook’s fault… but well- it hasn’t siphoned the fuel of comparison. I feel constantly bombarded with things I don’t have that others do.
Someone’s parents bought them a trip to Europe.
Someone looks great in a bikini.
Someone’s fiancee performed a super cute surprise proposal.
Someone got a job offer.
Someone lives in a nice house.
Someone had a beautiful wedding and wasn’t pregnant.
Someone’s family member loves and appreciates them publicly.
Someone owns a cute puppy.
Someone’s life is going exactly the way they planned.
The list goes on and on and on. And it makes me wonder:
Why is it so hard for me to just look around and be satisfied with what I have?
This thought occurs to me often (when I am on the brink of sleep), and it really bothers me. I have become a person I can’t stand to be around- I catch myself looking for the thundercloud on the parade (“Well, they’re an only child, of COURSE their parents will buy them a new car for graduation.” “Sure, they are financially stable, but their baby is not very cute.” “Good thing I’M not caught up in that beauty culture!”).
These are terrible thoughts. Thoughts I have and really, really loathe myself for.
The reality is that there is always going to be someone with a nicer house, more money, more exciting life experiences, more friends. I will never be at the top of the pyramid, looking down at all the lowly people whose lives are worse-off than mine. I’m not sure I would even want to be there. Why the jealousy then? Why the self-depreciating, whimsical, “if only my life could be ____” mantra that plays in my head? And, most importantly, why is it so hard to let it go?
It’s simply ridiculous. I know I hurt myself and people I care about by harboring these secret vendettas about how my life should be. The only solution I can come up with is to practice loving my life, and reminding myself to thank God explicitly and constantly for the things in my life I love, that I wouldn’t trade even for a cute puppy or a million dollars or a dream wedding or a husband who knows where everything is at in the kitchen (just kidding). And it makes me cringe, but I am going to put this online:
I love my baby boy more than anything in the entire world.
I love being married and never having to be without the man I care most about.
I love my amazing, supportive family members who always make me smile, even when I disappoint them.
I am grateful for my tiny apartment in a safe part of town.
I am thankful that I have great friends who don’t act bored and listen patiently to me and read my blog posts.
I have had the good fortune to have explored London on a school-financed trip and to have visited Maui twice with my family.
And also I have been to Harry Potter’s Wizarding World.
Now that I see that last sentence in writing, I realize pretty much all of my dreams have already come true. Hey, it worked!