The First Year

When I met my husband, I hardly expected that he would one day be the other half of the church on my wedding day. In fact, I distinctly remember thinking something along the lines of “That kid needs to get beat up.”

People change.

Our one year anniversary is three weeks away. It’s hard to put into words how much my husband and I have gone through. These swift 365 days have brought more tears than I have cried  during the rest of my life altogether. I’ve never been more angry, more hurt, more depressed, more lonely than I have been during my first year of marriage. And part of me wonders if we did it wrong, if we should have waited until this summer to get married- after our baby was safely born. I wonder if I could have saved us both pain.

But people change. And our commitment to each other made us do so for the better.

Being a young, married couple is not easy. I know people who make it look flawless, perfect, natural. For us, it wasn’t. It was a constant struggle to let go of ourselves, to empty our lives of self, to put God in the middle of us, to live for another person’s happiness.  And the struggle continues. I don’t know if I will ever have what it takes to be a good wife, but I know that I will somehow always manage to mess up the little progress I make. But the thing is… I made a promise that I would always, always try.

Having a good marriage, I’ve learned, requires enormous effort. We have an obligation to not want to turn away from each other, to listen when we are too tired, to forgive when the other doesn’t deserve it in the least bit. It’s exhausting- especially at the beginning, when we have to learn how- to let go of ourselves. And before I was married, I wasn’t sure I could do it, or if I wanted to do it.

But loving someone changes you.

And getting to spend the rest of my life with my husband is worth any adjustment.

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